Month: May 2018

Oh Lord,

You have delved into the deep recesses of my soul and You know who I am.

You are aware of how often I lay down and when I rise up to fight. And You understand my thoughts of joy, grief, fatigue, desire, and contentment no matter where I am.

You have watched me day after day, and You are intimately familiar with what motivates me, makes me angry, and what brings me joy. Even before I speak, You know what I’m going to say, You know me so well.

You have my back, and You know where I’m headed, and hold me firmly in the grip of Your hand.

I can’t even begin to understand how You do it – You are unfathomable.

Where can I go from your Holy Spirit? Where can I escape your Face? In my happiest moment, You are present. In my deepest failings, You are present. If I am healed, or if I am drowning in sin, You pursue me.

You will lead me with Your hand. You will catch me when I fall.

When I am sinking under the weight of depression, and I do not see any way out, I am reminded that this darkness does not obscure Your view. Because even though You are with me in this pain, You are not bound by it.

Because You made me who I am. You wove me together in my mother’s womb. Thank you, Lord, for making me who I am – because You make beautiful things.

You are amazing, and the deepest part of me knows this. Even though no other saw me growing inside my mother, You were crafting my body, and my personality from the time of conception.

You saw who I could be even before my fingerprints were formed and You wrote my story in your book. Every day of my life – the good, the hurtful, the amazing and terrible – before I ever even took a breath.

How valuable your thoughts are to me, O God! I cannot fathom all the details that You came up with in Your unlimited creativity and artistry.

I am human, bound by so many things; But You are not bound by anything except Your promises made in Your faithful love for me.

Please deal with wicked people, O God; Keep me away from those who kill and maim! They speak against You, and Your character. I despise them, I loathe them, I hate them; they are my enemies.

Look into my heart again and again, O God, and take notice of me. Let me be tested, and show me what I fear and what makes me anxious; see if there is something that still pains me, or something I do that hurts others and lead me to healing, forgiveness, and ultimately more of Your presence.

~ Victoria M. Newman, based on Psalm 139

Back in 1908, Anna Jarvis wanted to celebrate her mother. She’s credited with establishing the holiday we just celebrated this past Sunday – Mother’s Day. Later in life, as retailers exploited the holiday, she wished she had just stuck with a card.

I’ve always found Mother’s Day to be a tricky tightrope kind of a day. A mixture of love and exasperation. Desire and longing. Hope and disappointment. Heartache for mamas of angels. Heartache for women longing for a child. Heartache for children of all ages who miss their mamas. Oh motherhood is special, and it is complicated.

I’ve known a lot of mamas. I’ve seen mamas who stayed and mamas who left and mamas who wanted to stay but couldn’t. Most often, motherhood looks nothing like a Hallmark card. But no other experience has challenged and deepened and honed my character to the same extent as total responsibility and complete commitment to unconditional love for another person.

This isn’t limited to moms. Or even dads. If you have nurtured anything, you know the tedium of mundane tasks. You know the exhaustion of tending to small, ungrateful things. You know that fruit takes a long time. None of it feels like the stuff of greatness.

Instead it’s constancy and self-sacrifice, pouring out and investing in day in and day out, whether you feel like it or not, when you’re just tired and want a break. That’s when something far greater is happening underneath the surface.

You are growing the deepest, strongest love. You’re taking on the character of God Himself.

He knows about putting the needs of someone else before His own wishes and wants (Philippians 2:8). He knows about taking the last place (Mark 9:35). He knows what it means to give up His own life so that someone else will live (John 15:13). I think the reason Jesus’ last command was “Love each other in the same way I have loved you” (John 15:12), is because He knows it will refine us and transform us in a way nothing else can.

What is the best thing, the most glorious thing about God?  It’s His love. His perfect, mind-boggling love. His enduring, never-ending, 100% commitment to His beloved children. His love is everlasting, unfailing (Jeremiah 31:3). It stays and stays and stays. It never stops. How can it stop? “Love never fails” (1 Corinthians 13:8).

I wouldn’t be who I am if it weren’t for the experience of mothering; I would be less without it. My rough edges are worn away, my selfishness is usurped by hearts that depend on me for tender care. I get to not just talk about love that lays down its life, but I get to do it. I get to be inconvenienced and stretched and poured out and it is all exhausting and overwhelming and wonderful.

Without love, I would be nothing. 1 Corinthians 13:2, paraphrase